Prince Andrew is currently eighth in line for the throne and incidentally the first in line for exploratory surgery to see if he has a brain. If he does have a brain, I strongly suspect it is not in any way connected to his spinal column, but then I also doubt he has one of those. He’s basically a brainless gelatinous mass who ‘can’t sweat’ and who goes around pretending his life has meaning and purpose. His BBC interview with that scary woman was so cringey that my wife found me curled up in the corner of the room with my entire fist in my mouth at around the halfway point. You know, the point where Andrew tells the scary woman that he doesn’t know where the bar is in Tramp nightclub in London.

The bar is in London Andrew. London.

If you were asked by somebody if you’d had sex with an underage person and you hadn’t, my guess is that you’d strongly deny it and react with indignation and even anger. You’d likely be outraged and you’d demand an audience to seek vindication and make a case for your innocence. You’d be upset and focussed entirely on clearing your name and righting a wrong. In Andrew’s case, the response was to state repeatedly the nature of his relationship with the stairs at Gislane Maxwell’s house in London. If you were Andrew you’d also find time to discuss how you always wear a suit and tie in London and that you’d never wear ‘traveling clothes’ in London especially when it came to not traveling upstairs in Gislane Maxwell’s house in London. If you type into Google ‘Prince Andrew’ you’ll be given a lot of information and links to articles.

There's a section called ‘People Also Ask’ and one of the questions is: ‘What is the status of Prince Andrew?’

He’s an idiot.

He has an interesting memory though. Very interesting. He can remember exactly where he was on a specific date. I think it shows real progress that the House of Windsor has embraced a calendrical savant like Andrew and even given him a line of succession to the throne of England. They even let him join the navy. A calendrical savant is a person who can tell you the day or date from any single piece of information from a calendar. For example, you could ask a calendrical savant what day it was on the 16th August 1932 and they’d immediately answer ‘Tuesday’. (I looked in up on Google who is also a calendrical savant like Prince Andrew.) Savantism is no laughing matter, basically because Savants rarely laugh because they find it hard to understand jokes. Savants often have problems with inference, implication and irony - which is ironic because they’re so smart. The irony with Prince Andrew is that while he’s definitely a savant, he’s not smart but he is a joke and has no self-awareness and therefore doesn’t get the joke and thus he qualifies as a savant because he has no understanding of himself as a joke and the implications of his actions. Hence why he apparently thought the interview went quite well and even took the scary woman and her presumably still speechless film crew on a tour of the palace after the interview. Thus he inferred from the scary woman’s interview style that she liked him enough to move to the next stage of seduction - the old ‘Palace Tour’ wink wink. The rest of us saw a woman with a permanent ‘I’ve just exited a public toilet’ face. We therefore need to be compassionate towards the Prince from this point on, because he’s stupid. He’s been through a lot. Like his breakups. Which are awful. Poor guy.

Prince Andrew’s not friend was a guy called Jeffrey Epstein and this guy, well, let me tell you about this guy. Jeffrey The Epstein was an international man of mystery who made his money as a hunf, hmm a…wozilzemaa…ahh…anyway… he made money. Let’s just say that. I have no clue and neither does anybody else seem to have a clue about how he made his huge piles of cash. Actually watching somebody explain how he made his money is like watching somebody explain how Phil Collins is a great musical artist. Prince Andrew needed to break up his not friendship with Epstein. You see, Prince Andrew explains to public toilet face that this breakup had to be ‘in person’ because he has a ‘tendency to be too honourable’. But you ‘must understand’ that he wasn’t really friends with Epstein, he just knew him through a mutual friend called Gislaine Maxwell whom he’d met when she was at university. He explains to public toilet face that they were not really friends at all - really. It was only because of ‘his girlfriend’ that they knew each other. This is all important information for us to make sense of his too honourable actions in going to stay with Jeffrey Epstein and staying with him not just for a day but a couple of days and then having a dinner party held in his honour in order to break up his friendship that never really was a friendship honourably. He also explains to PTF that he needed to go see Epstein in person in order to tell him they could no longer be seen together. This is what he says: “Now, I went there with the sole purpose of saying to him that because he had been convicted, it was inappropriate for us to be seen together.” So he went to see him in one of the most populated cities on Earth and then he went for a walk in Central Park with him to tell him that they should not be seen together.

Nevertheless, in case you missed it:

1. Prince Andrew was not really friends with Jeffrey Epstein

2. He only knew Jeffrey The Epstein through a mutual friend.

3. He had to fly to New York from London to tell this person who wasn’t even really his friend in person that he could no longer be his friend, which he wasn't.

4. Being too honourable means breaking up with people in person when they weren’t even really your friend in the first place.

5. The best strategy for telling a person that you should most certainly not be seen with is to go for a walk with that person through Central Park in New York city in order to tell them it was inappropriate for you to be seen together.

6. Central Park

7. New York city

8. Central Park

9. Central Park

10. I need to lie down...