This series has has won numerous awards, such as: ‘Most Full Frontal Nudity’, ‘Most Confusing Show’ and ‘Most Illegal Downloads’ and of course the coveted, ‘The Only Show that if You Miss One Episode You’re Screwed’. It’s also impressive and gory in its quest to become increasingly epic. Game of Thrones suffers from one flaw – the plotting – which is good, but complicated and therefore hard to keep up with. The show only has a limited amount of time to bounce from one scene in one place to keep track of an important character, before it has to jump to the next scene with the next important character, you know, so you can see what they’ve been getting up to for a couple of minutes. All the characters are important, so it’s a crowded stage. Sometimes it feels like GOT has ADHD.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, combine the huge number of characters with the distraction of so many boobs and bums and you have a serious compounding complication factor of er, say, I dunno, twelve? Picture this, it’s dark, you have a hot drink cradled in both hands, the heater is on and the candles are lit (for atmosphere), you’re watching, you’re earnestly trying to keep up, then leaning forward in your armchair and gently placing your hot coco down on the side table, you rub your eyes and say: Whose ass is that again? And that’s because that ass just might secrete the vital puzzle piece needed to make sense of who’s who and what and where they are and who they’re bonking or killing (or both) and for what historical and familial reason and so on. Cleavage could also be used to secrete vital puzzle pieces of course, (I don’t want to be sexist).
The premise of the show is simple: there is this continent called Westeros which is divided into seven kingdoms which cover the majority of the lands of the continent of Westeros. To the North (of Westeros) there is a giant ice wall that protects the seven kingdoms of Westeros from the Wildlings and the White Walkers that inhabit the Northern part of Westeros (which is in the South), to the East is the Narrow Sea which divides Westeros from the lands and peoples of the continent of Essos which has three major cities and nomadic peoples who inhabit the area to the East (relative to the West which is Westeros which is to the South of the wall in the North). The Targaryens, who are originally from Essos, have a claim to the Iron Throne which is currently sat upon by a King in a city called King’s Landing and that current King is one Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy) who drove the Targaryens from power after they held the Iron Throne for over three centuries. Robert is married to Cersei Lannister (Lena Hedley), who is the mother of Joffrey Baratheon (some guy who gave up acting). But he is actually the illegitimate son of Robert because Cersei is having an affair with her twin brother Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), who is therefore a Lannister born from the union between Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) and his wife Joanna Lannister. They also have another son who is a ‘halfling’ and his name is Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage). The Lannister family also has a long-held rivalry with the Stark family whose patriarch is one Ned Stark (Sean Bean), who is an old friend and comrade of the King Robert Baratheon, who was incidentally also in love with Ned Stark’s late sister, but I don’t want to complicate things of course. When Robert visits Ned in Winterfell, which is the seat of house Stark, he requests his trusted friend become his closest advisor, called ‘The King’s Hand’ and Ned accepts reluctantly. Ned moves to King’s Landing, but when Robert dies suddenly, Ned loses his er, head when he is executed by the new king – the aforementioned Joffrey who is also (awkward) betrothed to Headless Ned’s daughter Sansa. Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen, the daughter of the former Mad King who was unseated by Robert Baratheon when he was killed by Jaime Lannister who is a great warrior (and when he killed the Mad King became known as ‘Kingslayer’), has married a brute called Khal Drogo who is the leader of an equine nomadic tribe in Essos called the Dothraki. She shows her ass a lot and then she’s given three dragon eggs and they hatch… Oh shit – is that the time?
I stumbled upon this show actually, I’d never heard of Game of Thrones. I remember we started watching the first episode and I was telling my wife how it was a historical film about ancient Picts in Scotland. I was so confident, I started telling her about what was happening like I was some kind of historical genius and then something really supernatural happened (White Walkers) and so I went out to the kitchen to make some tea and hide until the embarrassment passed. When I got back she generously offered the idea that I must have gotten this show mixed up with another show – or something and then we just moved on. We just moved on. GOT is a popular show, but it’s not for me and my feeble intellect to keep up with stuff that’s happening. I appreciate the amazing set design, the cinematic production values the great acting and the asses. I recommend it. But please don’t watch it with your kids, or your grandparents, or a nun, you know, cause things could get awkward.
