Spelling
The first step towards being important, is to learn how to spell the word elite. You may need to memorize it, but for goodness sake, make sure you get it right. While the burdensome concept of just being is something most people have a hard time with, spelling the word elite shouldn't be hard - so get to it. I say most people have a hard time with existence because a carpenter came to my house once and he didn't seem to have a care in the world. He just built stuff with wood (as it turned out) and he whistled while he worked and sang along to the radio with a pencil wedged in his ear. Throughout the day he said, 'no worries' and 'not a problem' quite a few times and then he said 'see ya' just once and left. So, apart from that guy, most of us have to deal with the fact that we live in an unfathomably huge and expanding universe that's so vast it would take the average citizen his or her entire annual leave, plus a few sick days just to travel it by foot. Also, when you die, you'll be totally forgotten within a century, which means it will be as if you never existed in about the same time it takes to fold a fitted sheet. When you combine all this with the fact that Joy Behar performed in a play called The Vagina Monologues, it only adds to the angst. But please don't worry about existential issues, because while your meaningless existence is happening, you have better things to do like becoming part of the social and political ealite.
Getting the Balance Right
Being important is hard enough, but combining progressive and elite in order to make social progress, is a rather delicate balancing act. As you walk this metaphorical tightrope, you're in danger of falling into 'The Chasm of the Dandy and Alembicated Ponce' on one side, or tripping into 'The Abyss of Tattoos and Unnatural Hair Color with the Face Peircings and the Vaping and the Matching Dogs' on the other side. If you have some artful tattoos, but not on your neck or God forbid your face, you can still wear a suit and tie and obtain that respectfulness everybody wants. Essentially, you just need the hint of a tattoo to leak out of your cuffs and you'll have a social signifier - a pigment based morse code to other elites that you just might be an edgy progressive person who is neither too dandy nor too vapey. So, if you're too dandy, too effete and fancy, then you risk alienating the progressive elites whose endorsement you so desperately desire. This is because the effete and fancy elites are too distracted by fashion and trying to act like Oscar Wilde, while the ones with too many tattoos and bubble gum hair colors are too distracted by indulging in the opposite of fashion, (something social researchers call 'looking shit' but I don't want to get too bogged down by technicalities here).
Humbleity
Some people find it hard to think they're better than everybody else. Take my neighbour Alex for example, he would never think he's better than anybody else, because Alex is just that sort of guy. But Alex is an idiot. To be elite, you need to be like Alex, but you also need to be like other people who exemplify not just being, but being better. In other words (and come to think of it) you have to be nothing like Alex. Forget Alex, in fact, this is a teachable moment, if you do 'forget' Alex, then you're on your way. You need to forget Alex now and in the same way as if Alex died two centuries ago and you didn't even notice he existed because you were too busy folding a fitted sheet and watching The View. If you acknowledge Alex in a generalised way, as in "I think there was probably a guy called Alex who lived at some time in the last century" then that's great, you're definitely on your way to being elite. I know I am, because I just realised my neighbour's name isn't Alex. I don't know his name. Nor do I care to learn it because I'm too busy being better than him.
See?
See?
Pronouns
As you're probably aware, the use of pronouns is important these days and you have to use them correctly if you want to get in on the ground floor and then make it all the way to the penthouse to party with the better people. Thus when you're referring to people generally, you need to use 'they' and 'them' but in a manner that makes it clear that you are not part of 'them'. Here's an example of a sentence that reveals your elite status: "Well, prices are rising and workers need a pay rise, otherwise 'they' will not be able to use 'their' incomes in a way that keeps pace with inflation." Notice how in this sentence there is a separation between yourself and 'they' who are the people from whom you have separated. If you're a politician and part of the political power elite, then you can use 'they' and 'them' all the time. Remember, the more you use these powerful parts of speech, the more elite you will become, firstly in your own mind and then in what you imagine is in the minds of all the other people you despise. I mean, look at the guy below, he's definitely part of 'they' and the fact that he doesn't exist just strengthens my point. His non-existence is just as relevant as if he existed. Either way, it doesn't matter, because you're only interested in how referring to him with third person plural pronouns makes you not him, even though he has never existed and even if he did it wouldn't matter because within a century it would be like he actually never did never exist or didn't not exist. Which brings me to my next point. To be elite, you have to use language in a way that confuses people and paradoxically makes them think you're smart and they're dumbasses because you're the one not making any sense. Combine this way of speaking with references to how you 'used to work in London' and 'they' are going to know their place for sure. But, let me add an extra layer of delicious fat to that recipe. When you use big words and long sentences, when you talk about how you lived in London, you should also speak through your bottom teeth. When you speak through your bottom row of teeth, your timbre (pron: 'tamba') will improve because your bottom row will act like the soundboard on a Steinway and you'll sound really classy.
Politicalness
Now, the next step is to make sure you have a political worldview that is based on emotions guided by what I like to call 'warm fuzzy logic' and naturally - self-adulation. The more your political views enhance your image as a deep person who cares about 'they' and 'them' the more progressive and elite you will be. When you're better than other people, (which you are) this means you not only know better, but you feel more deeply about the issues that impact 'them'. But of course these issues don't affect you, nor should they, how on earth are you going to be an expert in what plagues the common man if you have the plague as well? So just to be clear, don't be clear and make sure you believe your insight is sharper and your reasoning is better. Your commitment to letting everybody know this far and wide should always be as fired up as a wok burner at a Thai takeaway on a Friday night. Now you're taking every opportunity to make sure people know your depth of concern about the 'crisis' that is happening in something somewhere. In other words, it doesn't matter what the crisis is, it just matters that you a) apply the word crisis to something and b) extensively pontificate about how much this crisis concerns and impacts you because of how much it impacts 'them' or 'they' or 'their' situations. And if you remember, you should also throw in a couple of references to how you lived in London.
Tell people you lived in London
Living in London, even for a short period, is considered by many to be perhaps the most potent social talisman to place oneself a rung or two above 'them'. Like a musical instrument, telling 'them' you lived in London is something you get better at just by simply doing. It's astonishing how quickly it becomes possible to tell people how you lived in London regardless of the subject being discussed. Here's an example: "Yes, ice cream is delicious, particularly when it's good quality, but it's hard to stop eating, which reminds me of how it was difficult to get a seat during peak hour on the Tube in London when I lived there and used to commute to work on the Tube which is in London - where I lived." While this is a premium example and you might be intimidated by its effortlessness, I want you to marvel at how it's hardly noticable that the person involved with that particular statement was delighted to share with 'them' how he or she lived in London. So start practising now because this is an important step.
Double Down
This section of my guide is linked to the section on politicalness because it involves knowing when to double down on the points you've made about political and social issues in order to establish your place in the social hierarchy. When it comes to things not going your way politically, you should make it seem like you're reflecting on the reasons why, while at the same time doubling down on your mostly cosmetic, but nevertheless powerful convictions. The reason you need to do this is because while you can't ever admit to being wrong. But you should always admit to being the main character in the current narrative, which includes admitting you're 'wrong' but in a way that makes 'wrong' another component of your being awesomely humble. An example of this would be if you said: "We got defeated in the election because the great unwashed, uneducated savages, who are cretins and utterly repulsive, are out of touch with us and don't like us for some reason." Note how this statement manages to place the elite person in a position where they can maintain a 'sophisticated façade of of soul searching' and a 'verifiable assoul of not searching' at the same time? It really is impressive when you think about it.
