Australia is an interesting country; Australia has variety of things to stimulate people’s curiosity. Americans will often ask about all the deadly creatures, but then they also want to know about the toilets. They ask, "So how do your toilets flush?" I’ve thought about the reason for this question a lot and I believe it’s because American toilets use a kind of swirling action. The toilet is full of water before you do your business. And if I may, I'd like to indulge in a little circumlocution concerning the precise 'outcome' because I'm polite. In fact, I share an unlikely fraternity with Japanese women who are known for flushing public toilets before doing any business in order to mask the sound of the waste material hitting the water. When I first heard about this it was in the context of interesting conversation at a social gathering. The person holding court with interesting facts about life and everything told us all about this strange phenomenon. She explained that to save water the Japanese government was giving out free Oto-Hime, a device that plays music or synthesised sound to prevent people hearing you go. Everybody present reacted with disbelief at such a strange cultural distinctive, but as the voices faded, I quietly asked her if these devices were available in Australia. That was just before the internet, so buying one online was not possible and I was pretty sure K-Mart didn't sell them. But then after I thought about it I decided I wasn't all that concerned about wasting water, especially since unlike Japan, Australian public toilets need a good flush and possibily a flamethrower to get them to a level of hygeine that is bum-on-seat worthy anyway.
So, the point at which the extrication of pre-loved food from your digestive tract happens, ie: the shitting, creates problems in American toilets. And the Oto-Hime equivalent used in America, but for getting the toilet to flush properly, is called a plunger. I’ve been unable to get the official name for the flushing system though, so I’ll name it 'The Vortex of Terror', or TVT. You see, TVT uses gravity and a large bowl of water to get rid of what you just got rid of. In Australia, we use the um, once again, not familiar with the official name (where’s a consulting plumber when you need one?) I’ll just call the Australian system 'The Wave'. This name is good, because if you press flush and then look closely at the 'working end' or 'bottom' of an Australian water closet, it is indeed a wave. I like to think it reflects something of our surfing culture. Thus, a bidet henceforth shall be known in Australia as 'The Vegemite Cleaner'. I've been floating that joke around for a while now, but nobody seems to think it's funny. Regardless, I remain underterred and will strain to work it out with every fiber of my being.
So Americans have a cultural distinctive similar to the Japanese, but it's something Australian restrooms usually don’t have, or to be precise—need. The item in question is of course, this plunger that the Japanese presumably talk about all the time at their social gatherings. And just as the Japanese government gave out Oto-Hime, American retailers do likewise with the plungers. I once went to Home Depot in Nevada and saw a row of toilets in the bathroom department and each one had a plunger taped to the side. Think of it as selling gas barbeques with an obligatory fireproof suit, or a chainsaw with a complimentary tourniquet.
American toilets get blocked all the time. Actually, some get blocked every time, especially if you combine low water pressure with an old toilet. Before I lived in America I’d never even used a plunger, but it only took a few weeks and I had one within reach in every room, a travel-sized plunger in the car and a compact plunger in my wallet.
Plungers are everywhere, if you make a rest stop on a highway, there will be a plunger as sure as there will be a sink. Sometimes I'd just stop on the side of the road, wander into the forest for a few feet and find a plunger next to the most reassuring tree. Every American home has a plunger—usually next to the toilet. Some plungers are even marketed for having fancy technology, with special rubber compounds and handles. All this has given me an idea for an American tourism campaign slogan: America–TAKE THE PLUNGE.
The reason for the plungers is because TVT doesn’t work very well. When the vortex gets going, the waste material starts to get on the move, but then the last bend of the journey is too tight for it to progress. (This is especially true if you’ve eaten curry the night before and you live in a place with an old toilet and low water pressure.) I lived in a place with an old toilet and low water pressure that happened to be situated between a curry house and a Taco Bell. I had to move out because my right arm was getting too swole from all the plunging and I looked like one of those crabs with one claw bigger than the other.
Like Australians, Americans are suckers for eating fads. But in America’s case, the kind of eating fad can have a greater effect on the economy because of their toilets. Take for example the current eating fad in America—whole grain diets. Yes, high fiber diets—think about it.
You can stop thinking about it now.
But there is both a social and an economic upside to this, because toilets equipped with TVT generate toilet humor and therefore create revenue for Hollywood. I’ve spent over a year of my life in America and at least half of that time was in the bathroom trying to unblock the toilet with the plunger, then the waiting for enough water to refill it to get the vortex going again and then plunging again. This takes time—I was often forced to plan my day around it. When people asked me if I'd seen Yellowstone yet I'd reply, ‘Nope, plunging' and they'd instantly and sympathetically nod. Naturally, all this time in the bathroom gives one time to reflect. Until one has spent hours in the bathroom waiting for water or working up a sweat with a plunger, one can never fully appreciate the genius that is toilet humor. It turns out TVT has created and sustained a sub-genre that continues to appear in even the most recent hit comedies. The film industry is one of the largest sectors of the US economy. Comedies make up a sizable percentage of Hollywood’s revenue. Thus, if not for The Vortex of Terror, I'm confident California wouldn't have the money to provide free healthcare for illegal immigrants. In fact, if it wasn't for visual gags about explosive diarrhoea at the worst possible time and place, the world itself would be less safe. America's military is huge and therefore expensive. If it wasn't for Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber overdosing on 'Tubolax' or Ben Stiller getting his 'franks and beans' caught in a zipper, we wouldn't have Marines to keep us safe.
But as it turns out, the reason Americans ask how Australian toilets flush is because they think our toilets use The Vortex of Terror; they want to know if the water swirls the other way because Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere. I must tell you, I've given up trying to explain The Wave to people. So now when they ask, “How do your toilets flush?” I simply reply, “Properly”.
